The End of the END

When will it END?

The change? I am bored of it
And change after this changes? I am bored of that too!

This time? Its been so long...
And Moments after this time? Same story repeats?

This world? Wasn't it the same an year back? and year back?
And the year after? Only faces change, drama repeats...

When would 'This End' END?
And Yet next 'End' after this END?
Where is the END?
THE END?


Out of Blogging for a while

Looks like I need sometime wid myself

To reconnect the dots to picture my own identity
To listen to just myself and not the world
To watch myself painting my own colors

Will touch base with you all after a short break
Or rather a little longer than that

I know I don't wanna know

I know you can never leave me
For, where can infinity abscond from sky

And why do you care so much for me
So so much that you always laugh when I cry

Yes! I cry, For you, Just for You
coz you left me with nothing but You

I know I am special coz you made me so
I know I am chosen coz you told me so

I know I dont wanna know anything else
But you! Only you! Just you.

Do you know, you are the sunshine
Radiating on my pallets with smile

And you are the sunshine
Spilling over by tears of joy this while

Rain (in-out)side

Its raining outside
and inside too...

what a divine feeling it is to just hear the sound of rain
and watching the feelings, emotions passing by you

when you know that you are under shelter and rain cannot touch you
and you also know that storms of emotions can no more reach you

yet you feel the charm of rain by touching it
without actually getting wet

and sitting inside yourself, without getting affected
you enjoy the wet breeze on your face
like a kiss




Happy Navaratri




O Divine Mother,

In form of Mother, you have given me this life, protected me, cared for me and list can go on beyond infinity.
In form of Teacher, you have shown me what this life is about. How to live and celebrate its presence.
In form of sister, you have loved me. Without your good wishes, I couldn't have been where I stand now.
In form of girl friend, you have shown me who I am. You have given me so much affection and beauty that you made me feel so special.
In form of friend, you have given so much support and care that you were always there when I needed you.
In form of women, you have always shown me how to respect you, how to love you and be loved.
In form of MOM, you have shown me who I am.

Navaratri is celebration of womenhood. I thank all the women who have touched my life in one or the other way:
If you are one of those;

Know that you are very special for me.
And I respect you and will always respect you.
And I dont know what it is like to be a Women.
But I know, without you I am nothing.
And know that I love you... forever
In whatever relation we are in.
Or without a relation.

Lov uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu mom :)
-Kiddo

Smile

To My Greatest surprise, one of my colleagues asked me in Office this afternoon:
Why are you smiling?
Naah! Nothing...

Nope, there must be something special. Never saw you smiling in office since you have come back from onsite. Tell me!
I said surprisingly: REALLY??

And then people saw me walking with smile; working with smile, eating with smile, thinking with smile and what not: I just couldn't help myself to NOT SMILE today.

And have you ever felt embarrassed on the road when people are staring at you coz you are trying to hide your smiling face... No No, it was more than a smile but lesser than a laugh.

And what about a scene when you are sitting at your desk for work (which anyway you are not able to do) and people are stopping by your desk to ask you: what's so special today?

Something Special? :) Yes! What might that be...
I 'Blessed' Someone in dream today. :)



JAI GURUDEV!

I Am Nothing

Knowing is Known
Unknowing is Known
Knower is Known
But I could not be known

Promises are sown
Morning arises
But at the end of dusk
Love is born
But I could not be known

Broken those seeds
Erased the dusks
Watching the glow
And Breaking the mourn
But I could not be known

Sowing is Known
Erasing is Known
Nothing to fulfill
Nothing to be torn
But I could not be known

I am the board on which she paints - I am Colorless
I am the darkness on which she radiates - I am Glow
I am the sound on which she sings - I am Silence
I am the world on which she rules - I am Universe
I am the podium on which she creates life - I am Consciousness
I am the nothing on which she dawns - I am Known

I am Nothing...



Doubt about the doubt

As the time carresses my body
Masks I wear changes, continuously and endlessly
Sometimes I selectively choose to wear the masks of my choice
But most often, masks are chosen for me
And others see my masks but not hidden me...

There are masks which I love to portray
And, there are masks which I hate to display
Yet I have least control over it everyday...

Masks here, Masks there, Masks everywhere
And life here, same life there and same life everywhere
Then who really am I referring to as 'Myself'?
The Masks I wear? Why and How Long...

I have this doubt today for my current mask
I also chose to wear current mask for this doubt
I doubt about the doubt today...


I dream of Jeannie

I finally disclose it to world today... after all I had been commanded by her to publish this post so better I should follow :)

'I had been given a Jeannie'

Yes! You read it correctly: 'I have a Jeannie' and I admit it in public today coz I don't want others to come back to me later, saying I never informed them. Well, you can call that power a Jeannie or an Angel or whatever you feel like...

Although we all had seen Aladdin commanding the Jeannie in TV serials but in actual, Jeannies don't take commands like that. And fun part is: its easier than that. As per the law of nature, I am not entitled to disclose the secrets of: 'how and when' part of this story so excuse me for that but still if you would like to get any of wishes fulfilled, try contacting me and get amazed yourself.

Those of you who are still wondering about the authenticity of this post, please don't hurt your knees too much and try contacting me to know more about my adventures with my Jeannie.

Yes! I dream of Jeannie. Again and Again :)




Kindled Forever...

Everyone said: Forget it, its your past...
How can I forget something so intimate, so personal, so near to me as I am to myself. Can I forget myself? That was me all the while...

In those moments
Flying like a cloud without boundaries.

On those roads
So colorful and Alive.

Lost with just the feeling
Dancing on the rhythms of my own heartbeat.

So what if its a past now... I still create it in present.
So what if its only a dream today... I enjoy every bit of it.
So what if its a memory now... My heart still beats the same story.
So what if those moments have passed... I had lived and still live on them.

I am so lucky having witnessed those wonderful moments which many cannot even think of. Nobody else can comprehend how I had felt and how I feel now? Only this feeling of bliss is sufficient for me and I need nothing.


This is for you O blessed soul located far far away but hiding inside me!
"If God is Love, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to feel god in my heart through you.
And if I had felt god in my heart, I bless you with abundance of love and happiness around you!"

Amen!

Dedication to myself

When I am speechless, I often try to express feelings to myself through objects which are external to me. In these situations, I often become the object which I choose to attach my feelings to and it soothes my heart. Sometimes, this object would be a character in a book I am reading, or an actor in a movie but this time; its a song.

I was astonished when I heard this song because each and every word of it captures my feelings, my emotions so precisely that I cannot believe it . This song is written for me so I dedicate this to none other than myself.

Namma Bangaluru

Art of Living International Center, Bangalore
July 5th, 2009: 9:41 PM

And I saw the clouds moving past me reflecting the coolness of moon falling on them... The coolness of the moon on it 13rd day of full moon cycle was descending down my spine as I started visualizing the different shapes of the clouds. It was so pleasant to just watch the plane moving over the white clouds above Atlantic Ocean. Gradually moving map on the screen started showing Indian territories which caused a broad 'authentic' smile on my face for the first time in whole journey. I was flying from Dubai to Bangalore. And finally I landed in Bangalore International Airport after a long tiring journey of 26 hours.

Whole day, I roamed around in Namma Bengluru here and there nostalgically. The morning breeze had the fragrance which I left 2 years back. Same colors in surroundings and in people's heart. I lost myself in the beauty around me. My jet lag started draining me out by the evening so caught up with a quick nap to recover myself from tiredness. And as per plan, I left for the AOL international ashram saying a good-bye to all my bro's and sis.

First glimpse was enough to rejuvenate me from all the tensions and worries. It was tall and visible from far, The Vishalakhshi Mandapam. Multi-colors were radiating out from the top of the mandapam as if embracing and welcoming me. Soon after reaching and registering, I was all alone by myself for next one week. This loneliness is different in many sense because in spite of being alone here, I knew I was being accompanied by somebody who had bought me here.





I quickly settled myself up with couple of other folks from different parts of India (pune, hariyana and belgaum). Called up home as I knew I would be in Silence for next 7 days. And I went for a quick walk just to be with myself.

Departing Day from Bentonville

Atlanta International Airport
Local Time: July 3rd, 2009: 6:44 PM

I watch the sun painting the west sky with its magic brush from Atlanta Airport Window. And it invites me to have a quick nostalgic recap of the day when I landed at Bentonville Airport. Feels like I slept after landing on November 21st, 2008 and waking up only now to find myself at the same location. I looked around to realize faces look familiar and place looks visited as it happens in Deja-vu. But deep down in my heart I know; circumstances have changed, people have changed and I have changed. This picture was taken from my iphone while I was heading back home after dropping my friend to the Bentonville Airport during March sometime.




It was a roller coaster ride to be in Bentonville. If I was asked to compare my last few weeknd (specially few days) of Bentonville, I would relate it to a fish who is kept out of water for a while. Fish shivers breathlessly and hopes that it would be put back into the water but it doesn't know how and when? Or I believe, situation of a paralyzed person would be similar; as he knows he is alive, he has got emotions and feelings, desires, ambitions, affection and love; but power of action has been taken away from him. He can only watch actions being done unto him.

Life took my tests one after another in past 7 months. I was not well physically, mentally and economically. Someone has said: when life gives lemon, make lemonade of it. When I tried to make lemonade, it turned into poison which I had to drink. Someone else has said: When rape is inevitable, spread your legs and enjoy. When I tried to enjoy, I was gang-raped. When I tried to protest, I was slapped and scratched.

Handling all the formalities of leaving the country in short period of time was very difficult, specially because I was living alone and I was not well. Job pressure, personal commitments, mental tension and broken heart did everything they are capable of. My breath still smells the worry and tension so much so that its hard for me to believe that those moments are my past now. They no longer exists and I am past them. Humble gratitude to my Guru for holding my hands during this hard time.

Only ray of hope now is my advance course at AOL International Ashram in Bangalore. Seven days of Silence and intense meditation under the grace of guru is the best (and only) balm I can apply on my bleeding heart to get over my past.

My flight to Dubai is in another 1.5 hours. I need to catch some food quickly and prepare myself for long journey of 15 hours. Catch a glimpse of Atlanta International Airport through my iphone's eyes:








(D)evil Inside

बुरा जो देखन में चला, बुरा ना मिल्या कोए
जाओ मन खोजा अपना, मुझसे बुरा ना कोए

I went in search of evil heart but couldn't find it anywhere
When I peeped inside my own heart, I realized I am the worst wicked around

How is it possible that I see affection and beauty everywhere except in my heart? Why is it that everyone reflects truth and honesty from their eyes except me? Why is it that I had been cheating none other than my own self?

Thought Pollution

Real meaning of pollution sages had described long back:

अति सर्वत्र वर्जयेत
Excess of anything is prohibited

Pollution actually means something which is in excess; be it sound or smoke or anything else; simply because it breaks the equilibrium of the nature. If life giving gas - Oxygen's percentage in the environment is increased from normal 21% to 50%, it would break the equilibrium of universe and thus it's a pollution. It would definitely have severe impact on various operations of the world. If there are more men around than women, symmetry of the world would be lost thus its a pollution as well.

Same way, when mind is bombarded with thoughts one after another, its a pollution. It is Pollution of Thoughts.


Confusion & Chaos result when one is suffering from pollution of thoughts. Interesting phenomenon is: no one knows where the thoughts come from. Its like a river, one cannot stop it from flowing but one can control its flow by building a dam around it.

Quality of one's life depend on: what kind of thought one acts upon and what kind of thoughts one ignores. One do not have any control over the origination of thoughts but one has full access to the actions which a thought propels. All actions are originated from thoughts and this intelligence of choosing to act on healthy thoughts and ignoring the unhealthy ones, is the key to direct the life stream in meaningful manner.

The Nightmare

And I heard the phone ringing on my side. I woke up from my deep sleep to realize I am gasping for my next breath. All over soaked in sweat, I was collapsed by experiences I just had, through a nightmare. I gathered my scattered body pieces one by one to realize I am still alive when I found myself drinking a glass of cold water in kitchen. Next shock hit me when I saw the watch ticking towards noon. I slept (and dreamt) for more than 12 hours!

It was a warm sunny afternoon of a beautiful Saturday. The sky was painted with light blue color and Fall season had left traces of its presence all over the trees. The fragrance of air was magnificently catching on the mood to vitalize the surroundings. Silence was singing rhymes and the moment was dancing, watching at its own beauty. When presence speaks, words become futile. Didn't I just describe: Moment was in love? Yes, it was. And moment stopped there for a while to feel the love. Then Moment gifted itself to another moment just as one stream surrenders itself to another in a flowing river. Giving oneself is the biggest joy and harshest pain of the world. Moment whispered the sutra for Love: Trust, Faith & No Expectation. The air was welcoming dusk and I was witnessing it.



By the evening, I was placed in the middle of a new city; surrounded by crowd, yet alone. Bewitched by the dazzling flashes of the world, yet in darkness. Dithered by roars of people around, yet mute inside. On the bicycle of hope which had it's chain broken, I tried to locate my destination in the new city.



I asked someone on the street to locate my destination; and he happened to be a rouge. I was on my legs now with no money in hand. I was engulfed by sorrow when it started getting dark. I still had the map of the city in my pocket but no lights to read. Not to forget, fragrance of pleasant afternoon was still beating in my heart.

Moments passed, and I happened to meet another stranger on the street. This time careful, I asked the route to my destination. He embraced me tightly and pointed me to a path which had no lights on it. Before leaving he warned me for thunderstorm tonight. Alone and scared, I saw myself walking on a path which was going nowhere. Every step towards the dark was breath-taking. I wondered what I am doing here and why I am going to this destination? It started getting darker when clouds started surrounding the moon and stars. Not to forget, beauty of the fascinating afternoon was still directing my senses towards my goal.



And I witnessed the first lightening in the sky. It snatched away the beautiful memories of my pleasant afternoon. Crooked air laughed at me while flowing briskly and nature drenched me with tears of heavy rain after seeing my pain. Lost in dark night, I sobbed and cried. But I had to walk and reach somewhere to protect myself from the rain. With heavy steps and fuzzy sight, I still tried to walk towards a dim light far away. It appeared as if nothing else existed except that small light of hope, which upon following I reached a graveyard. The address of graveyard matched with destination address on my map. And lightening stroked...

And I heard the phone ringing on my side. I woke up from my deep sleep to realize I am gasping for my next breath. All over soaked in sweat and collapsed by experiences I just had through my nightmare. I gathered my scattered body pieces one by one to realize I am still alive when I found myself drinking a glass of cold water in kitchen. Next shock hit me when I saw the watch ticking towards noon. I slept (and dreamt) for more than 12 hours!

Am I awake at least now? How long will I keep dreaming?

I wonder...

And I wonder because...
One of my colleague at Hyderabad was getting engaged recently and everything was as smooth as butter until the mishap itself. His mother passed away for some reason on the same day.

And I wonder because...
The very same colleague was paying homage and performing some rituals for her mother at the bank of a river where he drowned and he is no more now.

And I wonder because...
I still feel my tiny, little problems are the most terrifying problems of the world.

And I wonder because...
I have been given much more without asking. Yet, I keep asking for more.

Anil, my friend! May you and your mother find peace and solace in other world.
Amen

Relativity - II

Please read the first part here.

Is there anything which is outside of this relativity? Nothing which I can think of.

After a close observation around, it can be noticed that anything which can be percieved through senses (touch, smell, view, taste or hear) are surely relative in nature, simply because they can be compared with itself or each other. They all can be classified into a category of: Materials. There can be another class of relative things which can be classified as: Non-Material. These are very subtle in nature: emotions, feelings, mood etc. Because they keep changing and thus can be compared.




Lets look closely onto Material objects now. What happens if one is asked to eat a single dish for one full year? Obvious answer is: it would be utterly boring. Same way changes in life are needed to make it lively and interesting. What happens if one is asked to eat a burger and a hot dog alternatively for one full year? Again it would be boring. So changes known beforehand snatches the interest from activity which makes the activity dull. That's why life is given all possibility of changes and changes are not known always which makes life lively and beautiful. Ask people who are doing a routine kind of job, how it feels to keep repeating the same stuff again and again. Changes in life are required; to keep it flowing and changes have to be unknown in nature to make the activity interesting.

Now same rule applies to the Non-Material world as well. If a person's mood never changes, it would be utterly boring for him to live the life. He would never understand what is happiness/sadness because a change is required to compare it. In order to understand this, lets make a scale of 1 to 10 for mood swing; 1 being most sadistic moment and 10 being the happiest moment. If person's mood changes often, he would sometime be 4 and sometimes be 6 to feel he is happy. Then he might be at 2 to feel sad. But if person is always at 4, how would he know whether he is happy or sad? Scale itself cannot be created if there is no change because a scale can exists where there is a change. So definition of sadness/happiness would not come into world if there are no mood changes. And if there are no mood changes, person would be like a dead stone and world would be so boring place to live-in.


Relativity - I

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon in 2004 and I was as usual busy doing nothing until I discovered a book in my friend's room which was dusting around for a while. I started going through the book in very casual way with sips of desi-chai to realize later that I was actually galloping on the book. When I was done with my non-stop breath-taking ride of around 250 pages (which took at least 10-11 hours), I was speechless and uttered only three words from my mouth: OMG

The very first time in my life, I realized the importance of Relativity. Sounds very simple but the impact this reading triggered through my system; was remarkable. If I try to explain it here, it would be injustice on my part but I would surely like to share my experiences around it.

Relativity literally means: To relate, in relation to. In order to relate, there are two or more objects needed. Can a single object be related (read it compared) to itself? NO. Can a dot on a piece of paper be compared to itself? No, it cannot be. Definition of small, big doesn't come into picture until another dot is drawn. Now new dot can be compared (read it Related) to previous dot to define how and where it is placed. So relation is always comparison and in order to find ones own identity, one needs to relate or compare oneself with others to confirm where one stands. What about the paper itself? Is it not a comparison that paper is being called a paper and dot is referred to as Dot.

Are these two dots sufficient on a piece of paper? In order to define a DOT fully, one needs to know all the properties a DOT can posses; like thickness, length, width, color etc. And then one needs to draw all possible DOTS to compare and see what different possibilities are.


We are all DOTS in the piece of paper which is this world. In order to define us fully, there are all possible types of objects around. One less type of DOT and world is incomplete. This is the beauty of relativity. Each Dot has its own properties which are so unique that it gives that object a unique set of characteristics. One dot in relation to ALL others is what defines that DOT. If a DOT excludes to be in relation with another set of DOTS , it leaves behind its chance to explore its own quality, its own identity. For example, if a DOT excludes to be in relation to another set of DOTS which are smaller in nature, it would never know that it actually is big. So in order to know its own identity, it needs a relation. To understand our own identity, we need relations.

To be continued...

Real vs Unreal

"Is it possible to catch a moment?"
NO.

"What is the next moment doing to the previous moment?"
Changing it

"Can I stop this change?"
NO, I can't.

Then "How to face the change?"

When I was in my college, I came across a wonderful book which had the collection of Buddha's teachings and stories around his life. It read: Buddha told just one sentence to his first set of disciples and very next moment they were all enlightened:

"That which begins also has an end."

Then what is real in this world? Is everything not changing around? What is to be believed when everything will vanish one day? All promised have been proven false and all beliefs have been shattered to ground. Objects which give pleasure now will give proportionate or more sorrow when they change their nature tomorrow.

My thoughts change as waves on water and feelings change like moon phase. My perception changes when seasons shift and mood changes as the wind blows. My body renews itself every 7 years and belongings change every moment

Then who do I call myself? I have a new face every moment And am I not just a collection of Past Memories?

When I myself am changing every moment then what and whom to believe.
The world is like bubble; looks beautiful, flies for a while with my blow and eventually bursts. What remains is Emptiness, Void and Nothing

Reflect and So be it

I asked, how is it to be a human
Reflect and so be it. I was born

I asked, how is it to be at acumen
Reflect and so be it. I was adorned

I asked, how is it to be sad
Reflect and so be it. I cried and sobbed

I asked, how is it to be bad
Reflect and so be it. I cheated and robbed

I asked, how is it to be loved
Reflect and so be it. I was hugged and kissed

I asked, how is it to be pain
Reflect and so be it. I was tricked and hissed

I asked, how is it to be alone
Reflect and so be it. I moaned

I asked, how is it to be blown
Reflect and so be it. I was put in cyclone

I asked, how to reach the end
She reflected from a reflection
Reflect and so be it.

Forever...














When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me...
I would wait for you...
Forever...